Changes

I'm taking a break from piano practice, and am feeling a little reflective. And my journal is nowhere handy, so I guess this will have to do. A public journal. Hmmm.

It's been a hard weekend. Again. It seems like the weekends are always the time where the 'me' that I've built up to get me through the week can just crash down, and the real me emerges, not quite sure how she's gotten where she is, and unsure of how to deal with it. And it's never pretty.

But I think I've realized something. And maybe it will take several more months for it to actually cement itself in my hardened heart, but there's a glimmer of hope this morning that wasn't there yesterday morning, and I'm so glad to see it.

The process of preparing for marriage has been a really hard one. There's something about having another person see who you really are that acts as a catalyst for self-realization. It's like he's a mirror in which I see all the parts of myself that I always knew were there but never wanted to acknowledge, because then I'd actually have to do something about it. And now I'm having to do something about it. And it's been a painful, arduous, amazing, transforming process. I'm really NOT the same person I was 12 months ago (as much as I try to make myself believe it).

A lot of it comes down to this: "Love is the overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others." (John Piper). It blows my mind that God created me to enjoy Him, so that He in turn could bless me through that enjoyment. That He never intended me to try to muck through life's valleys and byways on my own, to try to love people on my own, to try to change myself on my own. But that He walks with me, and gives me what I need as I rest in Him, and enjoy Him - who He is, what He does, and even what He promises to reward us with as we endeavour to live a life of joy in Him.

And it took getting ready to be a wife to help me realize it. Thanks for wanting to marry me, Jay. You've been a great catalyst to change :)

Rule of existence #357 -

Most things don't turn out how you expect them to.

Rule of existence #569 -

When things don't happen the way you want them to, they usually turn out better in the long run anyhow.

Rule of existence #1 -

God is still good.

Did I mention I got engaged? To Jason? Ummm, Jason Schroeder? You may have seen him in such films as 'Why NOT peanut butter?', and 'Pineapples are from the Devil.'

So, yeah.

We're pretty much getting married.

What the heck!?

Does anyone else actually act out their dreams while they're sleeping? Or is it just me?

I want to hear some good stories. . .

He restores my soul.

He IS restoring my soul.

He will continue to restore my soul.

I get so caught up in who I think I need to be, and trying to be that person that I get really disappointed when I fall short. Or when other people fall short of who I think they need to be.

But God's been teaching me about grace.

And about works in progress.

And about the journey.

And about the Shepherd who leads me by still waters and restores my soul.

And He doesn't disappoint me.

Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For whoever asks receives; whoever seeks finds; whoever knocks the door is opened.

What if we actually believed that?

To neuder or not to neuder?

So, my older brother is getting married, and there are so many bridal magazines strewn about my parents house right now that it's absolutely RIDICULOUS! (Not that I mind paging through them. . .if I protest them it helps to maintain my sense of dignity. . .). Anyway, there was an article in one of them about the whole idea of changing your name, and how a lot of people aren't because they lose a sense of their identity, etc., and they were giving all these different options for what to do instead. One suggestion was to combine your names, so that Fitzpatrick and McWilliams would maybe become Fitzwilliams, etc. And it got me thinking what Schroeder and Neufeld might become (just out of curiosity. . .), and first I thought 'Schroedfeld', but that's kind of a mouthful. And then it hit me. Neuder. Niki Neuder!!! Amy and I almost peed ourselves laughing, and I had to share it :)