the journey is long. . .

Changes

2007-01-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from piano practice, and am feeling a little reflective. And my journal is nowhere handy, so I guess this will have to do. A public journal. Hmmm.

It's been a hard weekend. Again. It seems like the weekends are always the time where the 'me' that I've built up to get me through the week can just crash down, and the real me emerges, not quite sure how she's gotten where she is, and unsure of how to deal with it. And it's never pretty.

But I think I've realized something. And maybe it will take several more months for it to actually cement itself in my hardened heart, but there's a glimmer of hope this morning that wasn't there yesterday morning, and I'm so glad to see it.

The process of preparing for marriage has been a really hard one. There's something about having another person see who you really are that acts as a catalyst for self-realization. It's like he's a mirror in which I see all the parts of myself that I always knew were there but never wanted to acknowledge, because then I'd actually have to do something about it. And now I'm having to do something about it. And it's been a painful, arduous, amazing, transforming process. I'm really NOT the same person I was 12 months ago (as much as I try to make myself believe it).

A lot of it comes down to this: "Love is the overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others." (John Piper). It blows my mind that God created me to enjoy Him, so that He in turn could bless me through that enjoyment. That He never intended me to try to muck through life's valleys and byways on my own, to try to love people on my own, to try to change myself on my own. But that He walks with me, and gives me what I need as I rest in Him, and enjoy Him - who He is, what He does, and even what He promises to reward us with as we endeavour to live a life of joy in Him.

And it took getting ready to be a wife to help me realize it. Thanks for wanting to marry me, Jay. You've been a great catalyst to change :)

2006-11-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Rule of existence #357 -

Most things don't turn out how you expect them to.

Rule of existence #569 -

When things don't happen the way you want them to, they usually turn out better in the long run anyhow.

Rule of existence #1 -

God is still good.

2006-09-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I got engaged? To Jason? Ummm, Jason Schroeder? You may have seen him in such films as 'Why NOT peanut butter?', and 'Pineapples are from the Devil.'

So, yeah.

We're pretty much getting married.

What the heck!?

2006-08-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else actually act out their dreams while they're sleeping? Or is it just me?

I want to hear some good stories. . .

2006-07-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

He restores my soul.

He IS restoring my soul.

He will continue to restore my soul.

I get so caught up in who I think I need to be, and trying to be that person that I get really disappointed when I fall short. Or when other people fall short of who I think they need to be.

But God's been teaching me about grace.

And about works in progress.

And about the journey.

And about the Shepherd who leads me by still waters and restores my soul.

And He doesn't disappoint me.

2006-06-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For whoever asks receives; whoever seeks finds; whoever knocks the door is opened.

What if we actually believed that?

To neuder or not to neuder?

2006-05-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

So, my older brother is getting married, and there are so many bridal magazines strewn about my parents house right now that it's absolutely RIDICULOUS! (Not that I mind paging through them. . .if I protest them it helps to maintain my sense of dignity. . .). Anyway, there was an article in one of them about the whole idea of changing your name, and how a lot of people aren't because they lose a sense of their identity, etc., and they were giving all these different options for what to do instead. One suggestion was to combine your names, so that Fitzpatrick and McWilliams would maybe become Fitzwilliams, etc. And it got me thinking what Schroeder and Neufeld might become (just out of curiosity. . .), and first I thought 'Schroedfeld', but that's kind of a mouthful. And then it hit me. Neuder. Niki Neuder!!! Amy and I almost peed ourselves laughing, and I had to share it :)

The Lament of Jeremiah

2006-05-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last two weeks poring over Jeremiah, amazed and challenged by his obedience, sorrowful at the hardness of the people he was sent to, and convicted by the hardness of my own heart. God told me that I have turned my back to him, and not my face (Jer 32:33), and yet have been flabbergasted by his silence. I am flabbergasted no more.

God, teach me to seek your face and not your hands.
Teach me to know who you are, and not to lust after what you can give me.
Teach me how to build your bride, your church, your people.
Renew our churches.
Bring us to our knees, in weeping, in repentance.
Let your revival start with us, and flow out to our community.

Thank you for giving me a new heart.

2006-04-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday after Sunday I'm bored.

I go to church, play on the worship team.
And expect to meet with God.
Expect Him to change me.
Expect Him to reveal Himself, and to speak.

But what do I bring Him?

No wonder He doesn't show Himself.

When a piano student farts. . .

2006-04-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have these two students. They often pass gas, but today was the icing on the gaseous cake. This one student really let one fly. Usually I don't say anything, 'cause I know they're probably already embarrassed, and I shouldn't make it worse. But, this time I couldn't help but giggle. It was pretty funny.

So, what does one do in this situation. Does one acknowledge the passing of gas, politely and demurely, or should one just ignore it and avoid the chance for mutual laughter?

What exactly is the etiquette of farting?

2006-03-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

I think I'm starting to learn how much I've been comparing myself to everyone else around me, and comparing my situation to other situations. And how that's made me so miserable because God wants me to look at Him, and I've been too busy looking at everyone else and wanting what they have.

But I'm starting to want God. And realizing how much He wants me.

2006-03-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

Once there was a duck named Fred who loved roll up the rim season at Tim Hortons. But whenever he went there, the lady at the counter told him they didn't serve coffee to ducks, and to stop coming to the store. Fred was sad. He loved coffee. And he loved Tim Hortons. So he got his friend the the hippopotamous to come and help him, thinking maybe they would serve coffee to the hippopotamous. But again the Tim Hortons lady said they didn't serve coffee to ducks OR hippopotamouses. Fred was sad. So he came back with his friend the giraffe. No luck. Then he brought his friend the bear. And the bear ate the Tim Hortons lady. So Fred and his friends got all the coffee they wanted.

But they still didn't win anything rolling up the rim.

That's my story. (I"m bored, can you tell?)

The Animal in all of Us.

2006-03-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading 'Life of Pi' by Yann Martel. A great book.

In it, a young boy is the lone survivor of a shipwreck in the Pacific, and is left adrift in a lifeboat with several animals from his father's zoo that were on their way to various North American zoos. Among them a hyena, an orangutan named Orange Juice, a zebra whose leg is broken, and a Royal Bengal tiger. When he is rescued and tells his story, those listening don't believe that he could have survived for 277 days on a lifeboat with a tiger, and he tells them another story in which the animals represent other people who actually made it into the lifeboat. For example, the hyena was a cook who ate other people in the lifeboat out of a desperate hunger, the gentle orangutan was this boy's mother who gave her life for him. The zebra with a broken leg was a Chinese sailor who had fallen into the lifeboat and broken his leg. And the boy was the tiger who eventually showed his dominance over the other species in the boat. The survivor.

In a situation where all our civilized tendencies are ripped from us in the face of a brutal and unrelenting reality, I wonder which animal I would have been?

This is the day the Lord has made.

2006-02-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

I love the beauty of baptisms. The symbolism of being washed clean, and coming up new. The symbol of the old self dying and the new being reborn, recreated. I watched several youth get baptized at church this morning, and it brought me to tears as I recalled the day I took my own step of faith in baptism. How it was a day of such hope, of such joy in what God had taught me and all that God would teach me and where He would take me as I strove to follow Him. And the realization of how often I stray from the path He wants me on found release in the tears that fell, until I remembered that each day I am being reborn. Each day my old self dies as I give the Spirit of God precedence in my heart.

'I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new everything;
great is your faithfulness.'

Lamentations 3:19-23

2006-02-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

The sun has returned,

whispering through the windows

touching my skin. . .so softly. . .

eyes close

lungs release a breath

quiet. . .

2006-02-01T17:14:00.000-08:00

I've decided to make peace with the rain. It's not its fault it's raining.

When the dawn comes

2006-01-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

Everything always looks better in the morning.

I've been doing devotions in the first two chapters of 1John, and thinking about light and darkness, and realizing what an influence literal dark has over me. I mean, really. It's been raining for 36 days people! The absence of the sun is draining. I now have more sympathy for those with seasonal depression, and am beginning to wonder whether I'm susceptible to it myself. When the sun comes out for a brief moment I feel as if I'm been in prison, and have found a single blade of grass amidst the paving stones.

And when I'm alone with myself at night, trying to go to sleep, I find that that's when I'm being preyed on. All sorts of thoughts come flooding in, thoughts that confuse, thoughts that divide, thoughts that anger, thoughts that hurt, but in the morning, they all clear.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the dark. Feeling down can sometimes be a luxury. But then I remember that even though I can't see the sun, it is still there. Even when it's hiding, it still exists.

'God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all. . .'

2006-01-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

Lord, I long to be released.
Break my self-made chains.
Release me to worship you.
Release me to serve you.
Release me.

To my friend who feels like he's in the waiting room.

2006-01-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

Be still. Know that He is God.
Be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.
Even though you feel like pulling your hair out in frustration.
Be still.
Be strong, and take heart.
He is ordering your life,
and the closed doors are as much from Him as the open ones.

I'm here for you.

So, what about this year?

2006-01-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year guys!

I've surprised myself this year by not updating my annual list of goals. Usually by the beginning of December I've prayed through a list of goals for the upcoming year, things I want to accomplish, things I want God to change in me, things that I want to change in my world, but I think this year I've gotten lazy. Even reading over my goals from last year I think I had gotten lazy. They were all so generic, one of those lists that even if you hadn't done anything you're sure to have improved in some facet of them because it was so broad. So, here it is. My list of goals for 2006, and I'm posting it here, so you, my friends can hold me accountable, and ask me how I'm doing. No more hiding it in my planner and not showing anyone. This is what I want to do this year:

1) To give God 10% of my paycheck on the first Sunday after payday. And that's on the gross, not the net. (I was really inconsistent in '05)

2) To spend my God-time in the morning before I go anywhere. To do it first before I do anything. Set the tone for the day.

3) To pass my ARCT exams with Honours, and to finish it by June. No more putting it off.

4) TO PAINT THE REST OF MY HOUSE!! (that may seem frivolous, but it's starting to drive me crazy. . .)

5) To take at least two weeks off this summer (that may also seem frivolous, but I haven't had more than 5 days off in a row in 3 years. . .I'm tired. . .)

6) To start to learn how to play my guitar finally.

That's it, folks. There it is. Obviously, some are of greater importance than others, and obviously there are a lot of things I want God to change in me that I will keep for myself for now. But feel free to ask me how I'm doing. Feel free to give me a (nice) kick in the butt when I need it.

Happy New Year you guys. My prayer for each of you is that you would be filled anew with the JOY of your salvation, and that the joy of the Lord would overflow through each of you as you let God do His work in your lives. Love you all.

Isaiah 8:19-9:1-7

2005-12-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

'. . .should not a people seek unto their God? For the living to the dead?
To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. And they shall pass through it, hardly bestead and hungry:
and it shall come to pass, that when they shall be hungry, they shall fret themselves, and curse their king and their God, and look upward.
And they shall look unto the earth; and behold trouble and darkness, dimness of anguish; and they shall be driven to darkness.

NEVERTHELESS, the dimness shall not be such as was in her v exation, when at the first he lightly afflicted the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, and afterward did more grievously afflict her by the way of the sea, beyond Jordan, in Galilee of the nations.

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light:
they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.
Thou hast multiplied the nation, and not increased the joy: they joy before thee according to the joy in harvest, and as men rejoice when they divide the spoil.
For thou hast broken the yoke of his burden, and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, as in the day of Midian.
For every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood; but this shall be with burning and fuel for the fire.

For unto us a child is born,
Unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon HIS shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful,
Counsellor,
The Mighty God,
The Everlasting Father,
The Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even forever.

The zeal of the Lord of Hosts will accomplish this.'

Merry Christmas, my friends.

Open question

2005-12-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else ever have something that's bugging you, but you don't realize exactly what it is 'til a couple of days later, and then you're ticked off even more because it took you that long to figure it out? And then you realize how not a big deal it was and are ticked off because it made a few days miserable when there was no need for it? Or is it just me?

Christmas Spirit?!

2005-12-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not really feeling Christmas this year. Usually I'm really super excited, planning what I'm going to get those near and dear to me months in advance so that it will be really special, listening to Christmas music by mid-November secretly in my car so as not to drive my room-mate crazy (because in Marla-land Christmas doesn't start 'til December 10th), playing christmas carols on the piano, rejoicing in the Advent season.

Maybe I've just been too busy. Haven't really had a chance to reflect on what's going on. Haven't given myself a chance to be still and know that God drew near to us. That the great love of God was heard in the cry of a babe. That Christmas is a time of good news and great joy that should be for ALL the people, and here I am just worried about me.

Come, thou long-expected Jesus,
Born to set thy people free.

Faith like a child

2005-12-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany of sorts while teaching piano today. I have a young student, who has been struggling to learn his notes, and I've been pulling out every trick in my book to help him along. Today, it started to click with him. We were quizzing flashcards, and he started to get them right, one after the other, and this huge smile just took over his face. It was beautiful! It clicked! It made sense! And that small success started to breed other small successes even during our limited lesson time, and it's going to spill over into the rest of his practicing this week. I was SO excited!

And I thought, that's what God's doing with me right now. I'm struggling. I'm having a hard time, but He is giving me little things to succeed at, little things that display His working in my life, and these little things are moving me from strength to strength. It's beautiful. Christ in me. And I just see Him rejoicing over me, speaking His love over me, singing His life into me.

At times like this I love the journey. Even without great shoes :)

Nothing really. . .

2005-12-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to Matt, who laughed at me because all I post are cheesy poem things. . .

There is a store in Surrey called 'Fish World.' I've renamed it 'Fish Republic.' Jason prefers 'Fish Nation.'

That's it.

Cheers

2005-11-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

To cozy, foggy nights, huddled inside with hot chocolate
To being stupid with my sister
To laughing so hard your stomach aches
To a family that is still together
To little kids playing Jingle Bells REALLY badly,
but it doesn't matter because they look so cute doing it
To a good night's sleep

To remembering that the mundane is the hotbed for reality. . .

Can I be a lieutenant?

2005-11-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

Thinking about Remembrance Day today (I realize I'm about a week behind. . .Sometimes it takes me a while to process things. . .). My room-mate and I have been watching Band of Brothers for about a month now. It's a mini-series that follows one American company's journey through World War 2, and the bonds that are forged as a result. It's a powerful series. I remember when I first saw 'Saving Private Ryan', and how I could barely watch the opening sequence on the beaches at Normandy, how I felt physically ill watching the agony of trying to make it up this stretch beach with little hope of making it to the top. How it felt so wrong to be sitting and watching it, like it was something sacred, not meant to be trespassed on. And I felt the same watching Band of Brothers for the first time.

I was thinking of the church as I watched it. We too are in a battle. We too are constantly besieged and need to rely on the people in the trenches beside us. We too are a Band of Brothers. In theory. My heart longs for true community, for real openness and vulnerability. To share life's hurts and joys with freedom with those we call our brothers and sisters in Christ. I am the first to admit that I struggle with it. It's risky if I let people get too close. But what a different church it could be if we all let ourselves love without reserve, if we let ourselves BE OURSELVES! My prayer these last days has been for God to illuminate those places in my heart that I hide from Him, and as I begin to open those to Him, then He will help me to open those places to you. He is faithful, and He will bring it to completion.

I love the character of Capt. Richard Winters in Band of Brothers. A true leader, brave and trustworthy in combat, but who has the love and respect of his men. And our commanding officer is the same. Worthy of trust, and worthy to be followed into battle.

Lead, Lord, with unfailing love
Those that you have ransomed.
And we will sing out as we go on,
Our God is faithful,
Our God is faithful.

To be found in Him. . .

2005-11-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

To be found in Him.
To be one with the Living God.
To know and to be known.
To be clothed in His righteousness.
To be burned by His holy gaze.
To KNOW His indwelling presence.
To feel His heartbeat in mine.

To be found in Him.
I once was lost, but. . .

I'm being found. . .

Better in than out. . .

2005-11-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

Contemplating today how I am so scared of where God is taking me, so frightened that I resist him to the point of turning my back. And then I think, I would much rather go where He is taking me and know that He is with me, than to go anywhere without Him.

the hands of God

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
But it is a much more fearful thing to fall out of them.
Did Lucifer fall through knowledge?
oh then, pity him, pity him that plunge!
Save me, O God, from falling into the ungodly knowledge
of myself as I am without god.
Let me never know, O God,
let me never know what I am or should be
when I have fallen out of your hands, the hand of the living God.

That awful and sickening endless sinking, sinking
through the slow, corruptive levels of disintegrative knowledge
when the self has fallen from the hands of God
and sinks, seething and sinking, corrupt
and sinking still, in depth after depth of disintegratvie
consciousness
sinking in the endless undoing, the awful katabolism
ito the abyss!

Save me from that, O God!
Let me never know myself apart from the living God!

-D.H. Lawrence.

Heaven or bust

2005-10-30T18:03:00.000-08:00

Church this morning centred on heaven, and Dan made a comment that really struck me. Why is it that I think so little about heaven? Why do I not spend hours dreaming about it, imagining what it will be like, planning for it, PRAYING for it? He likened it to any other trip we'll ever take. We spend ages planning, preparing, dreaming about these European jaunts (or Australian as so many of my friends seem desperate to go there. . .), or even just camping trips - we book campsites, and plan meals and make checklists of everything that we'll need. But why not heaven?

I've thought about it a lot today, and I think part of me finds it hard to really believe that it's there, and being prepared for me. That's why I struggle in my relationship with God too, because I can't SEE Him. I've often envied the apostles their personal encounter with the actual person of Jesus while He was on earth. Can you imagine? What would change in my life if I actually lived in light of heaven? Peter said we 'ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming' (2Pet 3:12), and 'since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him' (v.14).

Anyway, so it's on my heart now. How to live looking forward. Learning to pray 'Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.' Looking toward my home.

What the. . .?!

2005-10-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

This being my first experience with ICBC and autobody shops, I just have to say that I was astounded that I don't get a courtesy car for free. I've discovered that I must be brutally naive to assume that they would just hand me a car even if my accident was my fault. I think I will write a letter to the appropriate people, picket the legislature, and cause a general ruckus in protest. Courtesy cars for all!!

Procrastination makes it happen

2005-10-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Procrastination. . . working together! Oh. . .wait. . .that's not right. . .

Seriously, though. Who invented procrastination, and what did they put in it to make me love it so much? Sometimes I try to add up all the minutes that I've spent psyching myself up to do something, and blow my own mind because I could have done what I was psyching myself up to do ten times over in the time I spent psyching myself up to do it! Bah!

That said, I will end this post and go practice my piano. Or maybe grab a snack on the way. . .

God of endless pursuits

2005-10-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

I always used to think of God as this guy way up in the sky that I could sometimes make out if I squinted really hard on a sunny day. If it was cloudy. . .no way. Always far off. Always unreachable. Never mine.

But He's changing that. This God who was far away has come near. He who was unreachable has reached down and grasped hold of my hand. He who could never be mine has pursued me, wooed me, and is capturing me.

I used to hide the fact, and be embarrassed that I wanted a knight in shining armour. That Cinderella made me cry, that 'chick flicks' touched something deep down inside of me. But I'm realizing that those things affect me because my God is a romantic. He dreamt it up! He invented it! And He acts it out every day in my relationship with Him. He rejoices over me with singing. He quiets me with His love. And His love is new each morning, with no grudges, no hurt from the day before to cloud His vision, nothing left unspoken. He is what love was meant to be.

'You, you shake your head, at what is so hard to believe.
When you hide in your bed,
I sing over you the sweetest things.
Cause, oh, my love for you does not tire,
I'm awake when the moon is full.
And, oh, those times when you feel lost,
And you feel just unsure. . .

For lo, and behold,
My love hasn't grown cold
For you.'

-Bethany Dillon